THE ATHEIST ....

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

Turning to look, he saw a 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was quickly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his yes.

He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.

As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw. He yelled "OH MY GOD! ...."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, "You Deny My Existence For All These Years, Teach Others That I Don't Exist; And Even Credit Creation To Some Cosmic Accident. Do You Expect Me To Help You Out Of This Predicament? Am I To Count You As A Believer???"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very Well." said The Voice.

The light went out.
The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed..... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive". (source unknown)
 

WORDS OF WISDOM

• Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
  

• God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
  
• Some marriages are made in heaven, but they all have to be maintained on earth.
  
• Unless you can create the whole universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God isn't such a good idea!
  
• Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.
  
• A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall claims it's a forgery.
  
• A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's being the right person.
  
• The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
  
• Too many people offer prayers to God with claw marks all over them.
  
• To forgive is to set the prisoner free--and then discover the prisoner was me!
  
• You have to wonder about humans--they think God is dead and Elvis is alive!
  
• If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Author unknown.

A bit of add-on humour: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

Selected from Tickles 'n Truth Newsletter at Peggie's Place:
 ....(posted 09 Oct 2001 - source unknown)

 
Church Marquee Signs: (Thanks Robbie Maxwell)

• "The best vitamin for a Christian is: B1"
  

• "Under same management for over 2000 years"
  
• "Soul food served here"
  
• "You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"
  
• "Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are"
  
• "A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"
  
• "It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"
  
• "Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
  
• "Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."

 ....(posted 13/07/2001 - source unknown)

Children on religion ....
... and other kid's jokes

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The Bible according to Kids....and thus endeth the good news. The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in): ....(posted 15 Feb 2000 - source unknown)

• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
  

• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
  
• Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
  
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
  
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  
• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
  
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
  
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
  
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
  
• Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
  
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
  
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  
• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  
• St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
  
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
  
• He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
  
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  
• One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
  
• A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Children write to God: ....(posted 13 Jan 2000 - source unknown)

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One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" she asks. Her mother replies, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thinks about this awhile, then asks, "So how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?" ....(posted 13/01/2000)

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For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!" ....(posted 13/01/2000)

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." ....(posted 13/01/2000)

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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(source unknown)

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