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How faith can help you to change your ending
Church in the Community - Media Release in the Herald: 30th October 2023
Source: TCN / Marilyn Read
Date Added: 2023-10-30
Category: General News, TCN News, Issues - General, Issues - Moral Regeneration,
Date Added: 2023-10-30
Category: General News, TCN News, Issues - General, Issues - Moral Regeneration,
I have the privilege of having a job that gives me a ringside seat in watching people change their endings. There is a quote with unknown origin: “You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
Sometimes it is necessary to assess our lives and ask: “Where am I? How did I get here? Who am I becoming? and is this God’s best for me?”
I work with countless heroes and heroines who courageously confront the truth about themselves while holding on to the hope that change is possible.
There are some common questions I am asked about change, growth and transformation: “Can people really change?”
“If people can change, how does change occur?”
And most frequently, “How can I change him, her, or them?”
None of these questions has simple answers, and sometimes difficult questions are answered best with real-life stories.
Let us start with the question of whether people can really change.
A few years ago, a young woman arrived for her first counselling session.
As I listened to her tell her story, I was deeply moved by her emotion. She described her conflicted relationship with her husband and her consequent loneliness.
She touched on some of the dynamics from her traumatic childhood that had led to some unwise adult choices.
Her state of frustration reminded me of a quote from the controversial writer Anais Nin,
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”.
As she sat on the couch opposite me, with tears welling up in her eyes, she asked me a question that has been widely debated and explored in psychology: “Do you really think people can change”?
Her question indicated the scepticism that many people have regarding the possibility and probability of change.
Stanford Psychologist, Carol Dweck, describes two mindsets when it comes to growth and change – a “fixed” mindset and a “growth” mindset.
Our mindset affects every area of our lives.
A growth mindset is necessary when changing endings.
Change occurs when people believe they can change, take responsibility for their need to change and risk enduring the pain that change might require.
How does change occur?
A number of years ago I did a workshop based on a book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend called “Changes that Heal”.
Months later, one of the participants contacted me and asked to set up an appointment.
During our first session he disclosed that he had struggled with a sexual addiction from his early teens.
I want to make sure you have an accurate picture of this man.
The man that sat in front of me was in a leader in his community. He was a good man with a broken and contrite heart.
He was a man who despised his behaviour and had begun to despise himself.
Consumed with guilt and shame, feelings of worthlessness, embarrassment, fear of being caught and of being exposed, each time he would make a pact with himself that this would be the last time and yet every couple of months he would find himself in the same cycle.
At the end of our work together, he gave me permission to share aspects of his inspiring story.
He wanted to make sure that people would know that it is possible to change; that no matter where you are in your life, what you are doing, “you can’t go back and change your beginning, but you can start where you are and allow God to change your ending.”
There are often speedbumps, roadblocks, detours and many disappointments along the way.
His journey was not an easy one.
He spent many hours digging up the roots of his childhood pain and trauma.
He worked through the mark that shame had left, raised his level of self-awareness and began to identify the complexities of his thought-life and its triggers.
I watched him encounter the love of Jesus and accept God’s forgiveness and I saw radical transformation occur with raw and humble repentance that was not a once-off event but an ongoing process.
I watched him battle with forgiving himself.
For many months he made small steps, and some giants leaps.
He did the hard work that change requires.
It occurred in the sweet spot of taking responsibility for his life, vulnerably sharing his deepest shame and encountering God’s mercy, unfailing love and great compassion.
How can I change him, her or them?
The bad news is that you can’t!
William Glasser, an American psychiatrist and creator of Choice Theory and Reality Therapy sums it up quite simply.
“The only person you can control is yourself, and even that is difficult.”
I love Danny Silk’s honesty in his book, “Keep Your Love On”. He writes: “On a good day, the only person I can control is myself.
“On a great day, I can influence myself.
“But most days, if I am honest,
“I am just hoping to not lose control of myself.”
The one thing that I have learned is that no one changes with judgement and rejection. Change comes in an environment of love and compassion – from both God and others.
Marilyn Read
Christian counsellor (specialising in marriage and family) and relationship coach
Sometimes it is necessary to assess our lives and ask: “Where am I? How did I get here? Who am I becoming? and is this God’s best for me?”
I work with countless heroes and heroines who courageously confront the truth about themselves while holding on to the hope that change is possible.
There are some common questions I am asked about change, growth and transformation: “Can people really change?”
“If people can change, how does change occur?”
And most frequently, “How can I change him, her, or them?”
None of these questions has simple answers, and sometimes difficult questions are answered best with real-life stories.
Let us start with the question of whether people can really change.
A few years ago, a young woman arrived for her first counselling session.
As I listened to her tell her story, I was deeply moved by her emotion. She described her conflicted relationship with her husband and her consequent loneliness.
She touched on some of the dynamics from her traumatic childhood that had led to some unwise adult choices.
Her state of frustration reminded me of a quote from the controversial writer Anais Nin,
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”.
As she sat on the couch opposite me, with tears welling up in her eyes, she asked me a question that has been widely debated and explored in psychology: “Do you really think people can change”?
Her question indicated the scepticism that many people have regarding the possibility and probability of change.
Stanford Psychologist, Carol Dweck, describes two mindsets when it comes to growth and change – a “fixed” mindset and a “growth” mindset.
Our mindset affects every area of our lives.
A growth mindset is necessary when changing endings.
Change occurs when people believe they can change, take responsibility for their need to change and risk enduring the pain that change might require.
How does change occur?
A number of years ago I did a workshop based on a book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend called “Changes that Heal”.
Months later, one of the participants contacted me and asked to set up an appointment.
During our first session he disclosed that he had struggled with a sexual addiction from his early teens.
I want to make sure you have an accurate picture of this man.
The man that sat in front of me was in a leader in his community. He was a good man with a broken and contrite heart.
He was a man who despised his behaviour and had begun to despise himself.
Consumed with guilt and shame, feelings of worthlessness, embarrassment, fear of being caught and of being exposed, each time he would make a pact with himself that this would be the last time and yet every couple of months he would find himself in the same cycle.
At the end of our work together, he gave me permission to share aspects of his inspiring story.
He wanted to make sure that people would know that it is possible to change; that no matter where you are in your life, what you are doing, “you can’t go back and change your beginning, but you can start where you are and allow God to change your ending.”
There are often speedbumps, roadblocks, detours and many disappointments along the way.
His journey was not an easy one.
He spent many hours digging up the roots of his childhood pain and trauma.
He worked through the mark that shame had left, raised his level of self-awareness and began to identify the complexities of his thought-life and its triggers.
I watched him encounter the love of Jesus and accept God’s forgiveness and I saw radical transformation occur with raw and humble repentance that was not a once-off event but an ongoing process.
I watched him battle with forgiving himself.
For many months he made small steps, and some giants leaps.
He did the hard work that change requires.
It occurred in the sweet spot of taking responsibility for his life, vulnerably sharing his deepest shame and encountering God’s mercy, unfailing love and great compassion.
How can I change him, her or them?
The bad news is that you can’t!
William Glasser, an American psychiatrist and creator of Choice Theory and Reality Therapy sums it up quite simply.
“The only person you can control is yourself, and even that is difficult.”
I love Danny Silk’s honesty in his book, “Keep Your Love On”. He writes: “On a good day, the only person I can control is myself.
“On a great day, I can influence myself.
“But most days, if I am honest,
“I am just hoping to not lose control of myself.”
The one thing that I have learned is that no one changes with judgement and rejection. Change comes in an environment of love and compassion – from both God and others.
Marilyn Read
Christian counsellor (specialising in marriage and family) and relationship coach
Source: TCN / Marilyn Read
Date Added: 2023-10-30
Category: General News, TCN News, Issues - General, Issues - Moral Regeneration,
Back to News IndexDate Added: 2023-10-30
Category: General News, TCN News, Issues - General, Issues - Moral Regeneration,
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